Pull me out from inside

I grew by light years again today. Quantum leaps, they say. Woke up in a bad mood, with some anxiety in my face, tightening it. Sat on the floor for some time, looking for inspiration. Put on music. Danced. It was forced. Did some yoga. It was forced. Then just decided to tap in. I just tapped in. I reached a state of truly blissful awareness. My face got numb and time and the world just went away - and it was me floating in another place. It scared me. It always does. I snapped back to ‘reality’, then quickly let go again and the blissful buzzing womb came back around me. I did this several times. I was rationally aware of what was happening, and I had a meta-awareness of how quickly my rational mind was trying to assimilate this experience and file it in the subconcious ‘other/ forget’ folder as it so often does with dreams.

I felt healed and rested in a very deep way. It healed some fragmenting that had taken place in me. It brought more awareness and integration to my sense of self. This health has been with me all day. I’ll go back and I’ll go back. So magical to have an infinite well of insight and peace to draw from. It’s a hopeful feeling. I don’t feel alone. I feel nurtured by the infinite light. Sounds wacky, I know.

And the clock struck midnight. All eyes on the big ball.

I am here. I am. In this moment, I have arrived, and I will flow with it, doing my best to let the energy of the now- the pertinence, the flow, the simplicity- to just let it come through. I am the path, not the source nor the destination. I am one of a 'many' that came from one and is heading back to one (if we heed the call). A unifying energy is reaching out to everyone through me as I speak, as a think, as I act, as I act as I act. How is my energy? What do I make people feel? Do I inspire? Do I act for the greater good? Am I balanced? Am I committed? Am I humble? How's my mind? Am I awake? Aware? These are the questions... these are the questions...

If you really want freedom, happiness will arise
From happiness will come rapture
When your mind is enraptured, your body is tranquil
When your body is tranquil, you will know bliss
Because you are blissful, your mind will concentrate easily
Being concentrated, you will see things as they really are
In so seeing, you will become aware that life is a miracle
Being so aware, you will lose all your attachments
As you cease grasping, so you will be freed.

-Digha Nikaya

That emptiness you feel is ok. That empty feeling is healthy, spiritually. It’s ok to feel empty when you’ve achieved your goals. Empty is open. Empty is open to the next lesson. If life is a question, empty is the clue toward the answer we never quite reach.

And still we fill the empty with things and worries and goals and schedules and counterfeit answers. We disguise the empty with the illusory. But the lesson lies in the fact that the illusions always crumble and decay and yield the empty. Our journeys always lead us back to this place. When we finally achieve our goal and remove our blinders, we find we’ve come full circle and haven’t gotten any further from the familiar shores of emptiness.

I say the shores of emptiness because the whole of the empty is like an infinite sea. Most of us fear it and doubt our ability to find anything in it, due to its empty appearance. The shores are threatening, but if we have made the circuitous but ultimately fruitless journey on the hard ground enough times, some of us get wise or reckless or desperate and we dive into these calm open waters and feel the paradoxical warmth fill us.

We find that an empty sea can be pretty damned deep, and full in a different way than the cold hard dirt. And we never go back, for we’ve seen through the first all-important illusion: we’ve learned to learn. We’ve learned to walk with awareness and see that an appearance of progress isn’t progress at all if it takes us in circles and makes us feel unhappy. We’ve learned to leap with an intuitive faith into the silent, empty, open sea. We look over at the shore and see it for what it is- a humility and wisdom teaching mind game in the shape of a maze disguised as a world, continually changing to meet the next move of the student. In the the freedom of the empty full sea, we learn to swim and eventually to dissolve into the truth of an infinite idea.

All these tears are tears of joy. As I read and listen to the poignant words of Martin Luther King, Mahatma Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Mother Teresa, and Barack Obama (watch life changing DNC speech here), I am reminded that there’s a truth- a spiritual truth that shines so deep in all of us.

Maybe we can’t articulate it. Maybe we get separated from it at times. But there are moments- sweet moments of reverent recognition. Moments that our hearts well up and we know what it means to be truly awake and alive. Moments where our hearts go out to those who are suffering, and we share their pain and their hope as brothers and sisters. There are moments. Moments we must trust above any others. Moments whose truth and convictions ought to be- MUST be- heeded above all other moments.

How do we know when we’ve found this shared truth? How do we know which tears to trust? We just do. I’m not exactly sure how, but our souls know something fundamental, and we know, as one. And joyous tears overtake us. They sweep us up and baptize us in the sweet feeling of overwhelming compassion and love for all that lives and feels. This is life! This is why we are here!

Rise up and breathe in the courage you will need to trust your sacred role in this sacred revolution… This revolution of hope that springs from a deep vision we share in the quiet strength of our hearts- a vision of the blossoming beauty of clear understanding, fluid freedom, nurturing love, and uniting truth.

Ok, so this is it. This is the day I type out with crossover love what it is that circumstance wants to say through me.

No pressure. No stress, no seeds, no sticks. I can say it all here. I can say it all, for better of worse. I can be transparent here. Please note this as you read. There's not much filter.

Life can be pure joy. This is my message. Breathe into it. Do whatever you can do while connected to your breath and nothing more. Trying to do anything more is not productive- it’s counterproductive. It breeds corrosive stress. To me, pain and stress are not the same. Stress is infinitely worse. Pain can bring one closer to the truth, in its refining heat. Stress, however, is a dull anxiety- a tension that rides herd on one’s moments like an overpaid ranch hand. Obnoxious, overbearing. Stress is the fear of pain. Pain is the teacher.

Time is the enemy. Time does not exist. Do not give it such weight. The entire physical world is only an environment for expression of the idea. The idea is the thing. The idea behind the veil. Breathing can provide just the right breeze to lift that veil.

What a wonderful world. Doors open and close in a rhythm I can learn and join with an inspired snap and a sincere laugh. Community, family, freedom, and love. We dance here. Don’t trip over your brain.