Pull me out from inside

The questions were getting pretty big.  The thoughts were swirling around in hopeless attempt at flow.  Because, you see, the computer always seizes up when it tries to crunch infinity.  That is rationality.  That right there is downright rational.  Seeing its own limitations is the most inspired use of logic.  

Then, in a moment of despair, I found, as I so often do, a moment of sanity.  I saw clearly that relying on beliefs would forever take me out of the moment, because I would always be trying to figure out how the momentary circumstances fit into my framework of ideals.  I saw clearly that the answer to the questions that matter come, not in the form of words or logical frameworks, but in the form of resonance.  Who am I?  Perhaps a better question is, ‘what do I resonate with’?  Where is my joy?  What makes me cry?  What music fills my soul?  What people do I feel chemistry with?  What is funny to me?  What poets, authors, philosophers, and artists consistently bring me inspiration and meaning?  

Now, the problem with this truth, as with most other truths, is that it lies beyond the purview of the logical mind, which means it is beyond control.  The ‘will to power’ does not sit kindly with such ideas.  But, you see, you can’t control what music you like.  You just like it.  You can’t control who you love.  You just love them.  Resonance is something that is done to you.  I don’t willingly resonate with the blues any more than I willingly beat my own heart.  The good lord beats my heart and the good lord in the blues vibrates that corresponding string in my heart.  So, perhaps verbs should be more clearly distinguished and understood as action verbs and resonance verbs.  Resonance verb sentences make sense whether they start with the subject or the object.  I resonate with the blues.  The blues resonate with me.  Who’s to say which way the resonance goes?  In fact, placing ‘I’ first tends to confuse the issue, by implying a choice in the matter.  This is the way our language is structured.  It demands a subject and an object.  Perhaps this is what was meant by Lao Tze when he paradoxically said, “Those who know do not speak and those who speak do not know.”  Why?  Because any true knowing is beyond subject and object.  Any true knowing is beyond the separations and definitions and distinctions that are necessary for coherence in language.  So why am I typing this?  Perhaps the same reason Lao Tze spoke his words.  Perhaps because language can be used to deconstruct itself.  Perhaps because language can point beyond itself.  I guess, because I resonate with the proposition that our ‘salvation’ lies further down the current path, rather than backward at some turn in the road we may have missed.  This means that I don’t think we have to bomb everything back to the primitive ages and forget all the linguistic and scientific advances we have made in order to find the primal wisdom we seem to have glossed and cemented over and forgotten about.  No no.  The way is through the middle of the fire of passions, language, logic, and ego.  The true way honors all of this as part of the dynamic tension that has brought us to this beautiful, if precipitous precipice.  It has brought us to the brink of meaning.  The voice of a faint muse is singing in the void, calling you home.  A voice so silent it might be in your mind… or very far away.  Ineffable.  Inexplicable.  Infinity either way.  Wrapping around on itself, through you and I, an unbroken and musically waving spiral of light singing the necessary night of mind.  See how the questions melt away?